The different types of story reviews

I’m sure I mentioned this somewhere, sometime, but in case I didn’t or you don’t remember, I’m a writer and reader of wattpad and fictionpress. And one thing I always wonderered about as a newbie on there was “how do i get reviews/feedback?” I post stories because I need the feedback and constructive crits. The people on FP and WP? They are my crit group. My beta readers. I dont have editors where I am, cuz none of the people around me outside the internet is into writing.

But, I didn’t want just any ol’ type of reviews. I want ones that matter. So for those who wonder the same thing, check what Dice says.

post by Sage Dice Darwin

Now, about getting reviews and networking and such, the best thing you can do is give yourself a funny name. Like ‘Close Your Mouth You Spork’ for example. But if you can’t bring yourself to do that, the machine gun review strategy still works. Fire off as many well-rounded reviews as you possibly can, ask them to review you back. Enough decent people will get around to it. Just watch out for a few different types of writers.

First one to look out for is Selfish Writer. This kind of writer here is only out for themselves. Selfish Writers wants you to give them bags and bags of reviews. But, they don’t really care about you or your story. The only way they’ll review you back is if it’s in their best interest. If you stop reviewing their story, after a long while they’ll start to notice and miss you. Then they’ll try to get you back into their fold by reaching out to you and tossing you a useless review or two. Almost always less reviews than what you gave them. And at the end of this bone, they’ll subtly try to convince you to continue reviewing their story. If you do, they’ll take you for granted again and stop reviewing your stuff, untill you stop again. A pathetic cycle, right?

Next is Golden ** Writers (not reviewers). This kind of writer thinks their urine is worth more than your writing. They’ll post their “masterpieces” here and just expect you and everyone else to review because there storie iz soo awwsume!!k1!!. As if you owe it to them as a payment for being allowed to experience their timeless works of (crap) art. If you think a writer is a GPW, stay far away. Because they’ll never review you back. Their returning your review would mean admitting that exchanging reviews with you is fair trade, which implies that their legendary tales do not soar majestically above pedestrian works here. And that really, their stuff is on the same limbo-low level as the works of one of the common fictionpress peons (you). Trust me, they’ll never do it. Huge Ego waffles taste good and go down easy. However, Huge Ego personalities taste like trash and are impossible to swallow. Avoid the GPWs.

Then there’s Don’t-Like-Reading Writer/Reviewers. Since you have to read to learn to write, they tend to suck. And not know it. When you review them and ask for a return review, they’ll do things like giving you their standard review. You know, the one with no mention of anything specific about your story. Why do they give those? Simple. Because they didn’t read your story past the seventh syllable. That’s why. These rats have the attention span of a block of fuzzy green cheese. Only use these if you’re looking to pad your stats, to catch the eye of the higher quality reviewers. Understand, though, that they’re not evil. Just not the ideal reader. Manage your expectations, use them for what they’re worth, and you’ll be fine.

Then there’s the Holeass Writer/Reviewers. They are just losers with nothing better to do than to hurt the feelings of other writers, but being overly critical to the point of being a Holeass. They’ll do something like go on a long rant about how you misplaced a period and how the period — and the entire English language — have been disrespected by you and your “horrible” writing.

The quicker you can spot one of those kinds of writers and dodge them when firing off your reviews, the less headache you’ll have. And if you come across them, you’ll know what to expect. See their ** coming. And it’ll turn into your favorite comedy.

And once you can spot the people who can’t/won’t help you, that’ll make it easier for you to target the people who are worth reaching out to and connecting with.

If you want to read any of Sage Dice Darwin’s work (which I suggest you do- he’s a funny guy and has an amazing writing voice) you can go here.┬áThanks!

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Diss the haters

Everyone hates bullies. Haters. They suck. Two faced dweebs? Even worst.

Luckily, I’m pretty toughed skin. I’m not very fast to react to comments (which makes me look really stupid when I’m being dissed in person cuz there will be a long pause in the middle before my comeback), but that’s a good thing. Especially against haters.

Why?

Well, you probably hear this a lot on writing blogs, but it’s a good thing to follow: you’re not always going to hear flattering things, so taking your time to respond to critism or, you know, flamers on your writing is a good thing. Now, I’m not saying that everyone who reads your stories/comments are just saying mean things to be mean. Or because they hate you. Or because they can. Sometimes you’ll get a response that hurts a lot and you’ll feel like commenting right back saying that he’s an idiot who doesn’t know what he’s talking about. But, taking a few days to reread and think it through will help you realize they aren’t actually flamers at all. They actually gave good advice, whether you agree with it or not. And you should thank them.

But, there are haters out there. Flamers at their worst. To tell you the truth, I got flammed a couple of times on my first draft of a story I wrote. The flame comments were stupid, made me laugh, and I was kinda giggly cuz I didn’t think someone would ever flame me in the first place (I had this weird idea that only really good writers get those, so I felt slightly honored). But after a while they got annoying. And it hurt a bit.

[EDIT: So my sister was reading over my shoulder just now, and she laughed at the word “flames” and “flamer.” Since I’m so used to those words by now, it made me realized not everyone knows what it means. It simply means people who talk bad about you, the author, instead of saying constructive crits about your story. They attack you with no real reason at all.]

So here’s what I’m saying: diss the haters- secretly. Complain about it with your friends. Feel slightly honored that someone took the time to give you something to laugh about later. Don’t let it bring you down, and reply back with a simple “Thank you for your time” or dont reply at all.

Because really, you’re better than them.